damn these walls
by cyclothimic
Summary: In the back of her mind, she knew exactly what Nyssa's purpose here was. In the back of her mind, she was already screaming her refusal to believe the words that were about to spill out of Nyssa's lips. In the back of her mind, she was already wailing for Oliver to come back to prove Nyssa wrong. warning: major character death


**i'm not sure about this, really. but do try to enjoy it. and tissues, please.**

* * *

_Sunlight comes creeping in_

_Illuminates our skin_

_We watch the day go by_

_Stories of all we did_

_It made me think of you_

_-Wings, Birdy_

* * *

"Oliver!" Felicity called as she skipped up the stairs and out of Verdant. "Oliver!" she called again, looking around her for a sign, a hint, of the man.

Only he was gone.

She frantically turned to her left and her right, and yet she couldn't even find a hint of him. She put her hand on top of her head and fought to keep the tears at bay. She dropped her hand and her fingers fidgeted. Her heart was pumping and her lips were trembling. Her throat felt raw all of a sudden and she didn't want to know why.

Her entire being was filled with fear and regret. She tried to swallow but her mouth was dry. She took in a deep and trembling breath.

"Oliver," she whispered.

She was silently begging for him to appear; to jump out of a corner and told her it was all a cruel joke – even if it wasn't April Fool's Day. Her eyes jumped from one place to another, from the garbage dump to the leaking pipes. She just wanted to him to come out.

"Felicity." She swung around, thinking it was Oliver. She hadn't had time to recognize the owner's voice. Diggle was standing at secret entry with a sympathetic look in his eyes. Her brows furrowed tightly and her hand reached up to her throat. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. "Felicity," Diggle repeated, his voice choked and husky. She wished the next words to come out of his mouth weren't to say that it would be okay. _Nothing_ about this was okay. "Let's go inside." She closed her eyes.

She took a few deep breaths and opened her eyes again, they were welling with tears. "Dig." Her voice was barely audible. He raised his brows in question. "He told me he loves me."

If Oliver hadn't gone out to duel with the most dangerous man on planet Earth, Diggle would have smiled. Diggle would have cheered. Diggle would have clapped Oliver on the back and congratulated him on finally growing his balls. Only Oliver _had _gone out to put his life on the line just to save his sister.

And Diggle had no idea what he should be saying at this point, so he said, "He does."

Felicity lifted her eyes to meet his. "He…he told me he loves me," she stammered. "And I didn't get to tell him back." A whimper escaped her throat and her knees buckled in an instant. Diggle immediately reached out to support her from falling. "I didn't get to tell him I love him, Dig."

Diggle lifted her by her elbows so he could pull her into a brotherly embrace properly. He leaned his cheek against her hair and stroked her back soothingly. "He knows, Felicity."

"I didn't get to tell him, Dig," Felicity cried into his shoulder, the dam breaking.

Diggle inhaled harshly. The woman in his arms was like a sister to him and to hear her voice wailing in such a pitiful tone was such a pain. He mentally cursed Oliver for being such a hero and protective brother. His eyes reddened at the edges but he didn't cry. "Trust me, Felicity, he _knows_," Diggle reassured her.

* * *

Five months. Felicity had spent _five _months scouring the internet, hacking into high security databases, looking for Oliver Queen. As each day passed, the dark circles under her eyes deepened, the exhaustion on her face grew more visible and the sorrow that plagued her entire being intensified in her eyes.

Diggle had asked her – _begged _her – to stop driving herself to the ground. She could see that he had given up. He had accepted the thought of Oliver being dead. He hadn't made his peace with it, but he accepted it. And every day, in the Foundry, when he would don the hood and go out patrolling with Roy, he would tell her to stop doing this to herself. He'd tell her to accept things. He'd tell her that it wasn't healthy to continue living like this.

And every time, she would exude a weak smile and pestered for them to go and patrol. And then while she listened to her boys in the earpiece, she would run searching programs, hack into international satellites, breach government databases and breach _foreign _government databases. All of these because she refused to give up on looking for the man she was in love with.

She had yet to tell him she was in love with him. She would _not_ allow him to disappear without her telling him.

Ray had asked her again about his offer. And she refused him. Not that she didn't want to, it just felt like she was betraying Oliver by helping him. It felt like by Ray Palmer to be Atom, she had deliberately put a full stop to her job to help Oliver Queen to be Arrow.

So she had smile sadly and told him no. And she walked out on him before he could ask her reason.

It was in middle of June when she saw Nyssa al-Ghul standing by the medical bay as she came down to the Foundry after she was done with her work at Palmer Technologies. Felicity swore that her heart had stopped beating for two beats before it went back to pumping when she saw the woman standing there.

Felicity's hands slacked from unbutton her jacket and she stared at Nyssa as she stood at the bottom of the stairs. In the back of her mind, she knew exactly what Nyssa's purpose here was. In the back of her mind, she was already screaming her refusal to believe the words that were about to spill out of Nyssa's lips. In the back of her mind, she was already wailing for Oliver to come back to prove Nyssa wrong.

However, on the outside, she was quiet and she was frozen and she was pending. She heard heavy footsteps coming down the stairs behind her and they stopped. Diggle and Roy, no doubt. And she could practically feel it coming from them. The disappointment and the sorrow.

"Oliver Queen died from a stab in the chest by Ra's al-Ghul," Nyssa said in monotone. Felicity's grip on her purse tightened until the skin was white against her knuckles. "We failed to recover his body after he was kicked off the cliff by Ra's al-Ghul."

Felicity's eyes closed. She was screaming in her head, cursing Ra's al-Ghul, cursing Nyssa, cursing Sara, cursing Oliver. And then her eyes snapped open when she felt someone holding her face. She gasped – the first sound she'd made since she came down here – when she saw Nyssa's face up close. Her expressionless face was replaced by one with regret and apology.

"I am sorry," Nyssa whispered.

Felicity's lips curled in a sneer. "No, you're not," she hissed. "What you are is redeemed and content. Sara's death has finally been avenged. You're not sorry."

Nyssa frowned. "I know, Felicity, that Oliver did not kill Sara. He wouldn't. He was doing it to save his sister."

_But I do know two things. The first is that whoever I am, I'm someone who will do whatever, __**whatever**__ it takes to save my sister._

"And what? You're gonna kill his sister now?" Felicity snapped, wrenching her face away from Nyssa, Oliver's voice ringing in her head. "Fat chance."

"I am not going to kill his sister. But I will kill Malcolm Merlyn," Nyssa sneered with the same amount of venom as she did when she declared Oliver as her enemy. Felicity paused. "Malcolm Merlyn was the start of this all. And I will end it by ending his life."

Felicity contemplated her words for a long time. Nyssa, Diggle and Roy were all watching her in silence. Then she made her decision. "Train me." They frowned. Nyssa's eyes carried a delighted twinkle, despite her frown. "Make me into something that can kill Malcolm Merlyn," Felicity said resolutely.

"Felicity," Diggle and Roy called at the same time as they flanked her instantly, their voice alarmed. "Don't do this," Diggle whispered, his eyes alert.

"Nyssa's right," Felicity said. "Malcolm Merlyn started all of this. And I want to end it. I want to be _firsthand_ in ending it."

"Felicity," Diggle began, "Oliver wouldn't want this."

_And the second thing?_

Felicity's breath shuddered as she exhaled. Then she smiled sadly. "Yeah well, he's not here anymore," she choked.

_I love you_.

* * *

Nyssa brought her to Nanda Parbat. Every time Felicity saw Ra's al-Ghul, she had to try so hard to not grab a sword and stab him in the chest just like he did to Oliver.

In the beginning, it was hard. Nyssa had made her do things that not even Oliver had taught her. Her muscles were sore and cramping by the first few months. But eventually, time made her stronger. She no longer had jelly legs. She realized by the ninth month that Nyssa had crafted and oiled her into an advanced machine, with insane reflexes and instincts.

Even so, Nyssa had claimed it wasn't enough to kill someone like Malcolm Merlyn. She brought her to another level of training. Nyssa brought her to an isolated cave, just the two of them. And then they began the second phase of training. Time became meaningless as they trained.

She didn't know how long they'd been in this cave when Nyssa gave her some cooked rabbit meat and said with a smirk, "You're ready."

Felicity stared down at the meat. "I'm ready."

Nyssa nodded. "Physically, you are more than ready to take down Merlyn. Joined with me, we will tear him into pieces." Nyssa's smirk then disappeared. "The only question is, are you _ready_?"

Mentally, Nyssa meant. Was Felicity ready mentally? The blonde pondered for a long time before she took the first bite of the rabbit meat, "I'm ready."

* * *

Two years after Felicity was brought to Nanda Parbat, Malcolm Merlyn's death was announced on the local news. He was shot in the head twice and stabbed in the chest once. Diggle and Roy had no doubt whose doing it was.

Two days after Malcolm Merlyn's funeral, Felicity emerged in the Foundry, dressed in a white shirt and leather jacket over it, paired with a pair of skintight jeans and a pair of boots. Her hair was tied into the usual neat ponytail. Her glasses remained perched on her nose.

Diggle stood upright from leaning against the table that seated what used to be her babies. Roy nearly fell onto his knees from his hurry to stand up from the chair he was sitting on; the chair _she _used to sit on.

They were at a standstill. "Hey," she broke the silence.

Diggle swallowed and managed a tiny smile. "Hey."

They didn't hug each other. They didn't jump in joy. She was not that person anymore and they never were those people. She dropped the duffle she'd been carrying and looked around her then she looked at Roy.

"That chair carries a lot of weight," she mentioned.

Roy nodded solemnly. "I know."

"What are you gonna do now?" Diggle asked.

Felicity inhaled and exhaled harshly. She took slow steps towards the glass case where the Arrow suit was in. She reached in and touched the frayed edges of the hood gingerly.

Then she turned to him with a smile.

Green Arrow was borne.

* * *

That night, for the first time in two years, Oliver appeared in her dreams.

"_Felicity,_" he said, in that voice he used specifically for her.

"_Oliver_," she whispered, tears welling her eyes.

He smiled tenderly and wrapped her in his arms. She buried her face in the cloth of his Henley and inhaled his scent. God, she missed his smell so much.

"_I'm sorry_," he whispered, "_for turning you into a killer. I'm sorry._"

"_I'm not_," she replied. She leaned back to look up at his handsome rugged face. "_You're not angry?_"

He shook his head with a smile. _"I love you."_

And the tears began spilling out of her eyes. _"I didn't get to say it back, Oliver._"

He shook his head and brushed her hair back. "_Don't worry, Felicity. I know_." He nodded in reassurance. _"I know, Felicity_."

"_You do?_" He nodded again. _"Good."_

"_Are you sure you want to put on the hood? 'Cause there's no turning back_," he said.

She smiled at him and cupped his cheek in her hand. "_I'm sure, Oliver. I want to. I love you_," she finally said.

His smile turned into a grin. "_Good_," he whispered.

As he leaned down, she lifted her head. And their lips met in her dreams.

* * *

**seriously, what do you think?**


End file.
